Exploring Confusion and Stuckness

written by Fran Westwood

Photo by Laura Roberts on Unsplash

“I’m not sure.” These are common words that many, if not most, have said at some point in their lives. “I don’t know” is also a common response when asked about what one wants or what is best in complex circumstances, especially relational ones. Some people have a particularly hard time knowing what they want and how they feel. Trying to name an emotion, desire or need, or discern the best way forward in difficult seasons, can be genuinely challenging. Sometimes, uncertainty simply is a signal that more time is needed. It could indicate that perhaps more personal practices, time and space, or additional relationship or therapeutic support could bring you closer to clarity.

However, sometimes “I don’t know” is a way we stay stuck. As hard as staying stuck is, often we stay there because it can subconsciously feel more comfortable than clarity. Sometimes we do partially know how we feel or what is best, but that knowing is uncomfortable. Knowing our truth often indicates next steps, and action makes change real. In the moment, staying in confusion can feel safer. If we haven’t learned that it’s safe to show up with our emotions, needs and perspectives, or we don’t have safe people around us, it makes sense that being certain might bring up emotions that we unconsciously push down with confusion and prolonged uncertainty. 

So, sometimes, we say we don’t know because we actually are on the edge of knowing; recognizing confusion can be a first step. An invitation to stay with the question, and wait for the answer. At other times, confusion can be a defence (in other words, an unconscious strategy that blocks an uncomfortable emotion or truth). How do we know which one it is? Simply noticing our own responses when trying to make decisions or discern how we feel is a place to start. 

Try practicing nonjudgmental attention to whatever is happening in your thoughts, feelings, and body. If you notice a fog of confusion, try not to rush past it, but get curious about that part of you: how long have you been feeling unsure? If the confusion has been there repeatedly and is keeping you from moving forward, it might be a defence. If it is, see what it might be defending you from: is there an emotion, a decision, an outcome that might be uncomfortable? Stay with the question of what you need to feel safe enough to approach your deeper truth. 

If you are just starting to notice the confusion, and you genuinely don’t feel you have all the information or are ready to make a decision, perhaps you’re simply in the middle of a process. Processes take time, and shouldn’t be rushed. Offer yourself assurances that you can take your time. See if you can discern what your process needs: is there a safe place you can unpack your situation and your emotions around it? Is there a safe person you can talk with? Discernment takes time, and you deserve a thorough process. But if you notice that you are sitting in the process for too long and feel stuck, confusion may be masking how you’re really feeling or what you need; see if you can start to make space for your underlying emotions, however uncomfortable. 

Either way, there is a way through confusion towards clarity. Either way, support is often needed for this process. Feeling less alone with our deepest truths is part of how we heal and find alignment.