Learning from Anger
written by Fran Westwood
Photo by Steve A Johnson on Unsplash
Does just reading this title bring up uncomfortable feelings, or an internal “no”? Anger is an often maligned emotion, and with reason. Many people have witnessed unhealthy behaviours fuelled by anger, unleashed in their families and relationships. These behaviours understandably reinforce that it is unsafe to acknowledge and feel anger. Some have been taught explicitly that to experience anger, as well as to act on it, are both wrong. This may be due to family communication preferences, religious teachings or trauma.
Despite many painful experiences or negative beliefs around it, anger is not worse than any other core emotion. Anger is a physiological response to your environment. Emotions tell us about ourselves and what we’re experiencing. Anger is an important signal that could be indicating something that is wrong or unjust, a boundary being crossed, an unmet need, or could be connected to past patterns that have reinforced certain beliefs.
One important distinction is the emotion of anger itself and the behaviours enacted when one is experiencing anger. These are two different things that are often conflated. To accept and experience one’s own anger is not the same as acting on it. In fact, usually it is unacknowledged anger that leads to impulsive action. When an emotion is acknowledged, named and processed in healthy ways, a person is left with choices about how to act on that anger in a way that contributes to a healthy self and healthy relationships.
Destigmatizing anger and simply allowing it to be acknowledged is the first step to learning from your anger. Noticing how anger shows up in your body, and seeing what surfaces when you pay attention to those sensations. Breathing deeply and pressing your feet into the floor can help you feel more grounded as you allow the sensations associated with anger to speak. Asking a curious question, “What am I angry about?” or “Is this about now, or something in the past? What does this anger need right now?” can be helpful places to start.
Anger is often thought of as a dangerous emotion. Sometimes anger just wants to be validated, and then we feel calmer. But sometimes anger is indicating a need. The need is an invitation to take action: anger is what tells us to stand up to a bully, assert a boundary, protect those we love and own our own needs. A stunted relationship with anger often leads to an inability to trust our instincts and take action or assert boundaries. After many years of allowing behaviours that don’t work for us, anger will sometimes finally simmer up to the surface as resentment or even rage. Allowing anger now, and discerning how to process it and what steps (if any) to take, are important aspects of understanding who we are and recovering wholeness.
