Have you ever experienced a physical sensation in your body that defies verbal explanation? I’d invite you to recall a time when this was true for you. The reality is that long before we can cognitively process a stressful event, our nervous system has already mobilized into action, preparing us to fight, flee, freeze, or, in overwhelming situations, shut down and collapse.

If you’ve lived with anxiety at any point in your life, you’ve probably experienced moments where it felt all-encompassing. Your chest tightened. Your temperature increased. Thoughts were racing - you imagined worst-case scenarios and tried to figure out ways to avoid them. Your system was locked into survival mode.

Before engaging with Francis Weller’s Entering the Healing Ground: The Wild Edge of Sorrow, I was well aware of an intellectual/rational part of my system. I’ve come to learn that this one attempts to logically explain what I am feeling to help me feel more in control. While this can be helpful, it does have its limitations, especially when it comes to navigating grief.

As we navigate our lives, there are always two dynamic forces at play. The first is the relationship we have with our inner world or system (can be used interchangeably). We all have varying degrees of awareness of what the landscape of our inner world looks like, and there are different tools and practices we can access to help deepen our awareness (e.g. Internal Family Systems).

Only through connecting relationally with these emotions (or parts) can they be healed from the often profound sense of disconnection they have experienced at very crucial times in life.

Take a moment to consider what the prospect of saying “No” cues within your system. Perhaps some parts feel uneasy about doing so.

Can you recall a time when you found yourself “getting lost” in something that brought you joy? It could be something simple or something more extravagant. Either way, you most likely felt a little more connected to your sense of Self.

Do you anxiously anticipate the change in seasons from autumn to winter and how it may impact on your system? Do you relish how nature slows down and goes into hibernation in hopeful anticipation of springtime?

What are you noticing within your system as we approach the holiday season? Perhaps there is some anticipation of extended time and space to more intentionally relax and connect with loved ones. There may also be some trepidation about what those relational dynamics may look and feel like. Grief in its many forms can manifest as well. Whatever you notice, before, during and after the season, know that all of it is welcome. You do not have to feel a certain way around the holidays, even though there may be expectations (familial and societal) to do so. You have a choice.

When approaching trauma, it is important to understand that different types require different treatments. Traumas must be addressed according to their specific needs. In your lifetime, you may have experienced a single incident, or acute trauma.

Trauma can be understood as a relational violation – or, put another way - a violation of connection (Frank Anderson).  Seen through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), trauma creates a chasm between our Core Self and parts of our psyche. These parts come into being at the origin of a relational violation/violation of connection.

We all have different understandings of what “fun” means to us. One person may find meaning and enjoyment in a certain hobby or interest, while another may prefer something else entirely. Sometimes we develop new passions for things as we grow along our respective journeys, or we may just stick to what we know. Either way, these things that we consider fun seem to ignite something deeper within our core.

Some of the hallmarks of grief are a sense of chaos, messiness and confusion. It can feel like we are spinning adrift in a sea of painful thoughts and emotions with no discernible signs of rescue. All of them remind us of the loss we have sustained, and their constant chorus is often too much for us to bear. We long for someone who can be with us in the midst of this tumult; a lifeline that helps to mitigate the loneliness. Sometimes, though, the platitudes that people offer only further amplify our pain.

I now more deeply understand that what occurs in the outer world often mirrors our own inner worlds. Some have compared the internal processes to the changing of the seasons. I think that this comparison is a helpful way to view how we grow along our respective journeys.

For a “holiday” that emphasizes giving and receiving love, I have found that grief of some kind is often residing in the shadows on and around Valentine’s Day. It is hard not to notice the reams of candy and cards that populate the aisles wherever we go. Sure, there is room joy on this day to celebrate the love we have in and around us. And, I think there should also be room for grief.

Perhaps you’ve arrived at the start of this New Year full of expectancy and hope. Or, perhaps you look out on the year ahead with a sense of heaviness in your heart and mind. Maybe, though, you have a constellation of many parts showing up within you. To get a sense of what is going on within your internal system, I invite you to take a moment and breathe…

We are presented with choices in every moment. Some are more straightforward and use up very little energy, while others are more complex and involve a deeper, focused attention.